on Saturday July 6th. I haven’t been eating much. I mostly haven’t been hungry. I haven’t been exercising at all except for cleaning the house. Down a fair bit from 144.2 on June 23rd & from 138.9 two days before on June 4th.
I know it’s lower than many people would advise but daily calorie intake has looked basically like this:
with some days of not having anything but a cup of almond milk in the morning (about 30 cals) & some tequila in the evening.
I feel worried. I feel anxious all of the time, with some exceptions like when I am talking to certain people on the phone. I feel like I am fucking up & wasting my life & I’ll look back on it & wish I’d been braver, that I’d taken control.
I body check constantly. I pull up my shirt & look at the stomach every time I have privacy & am in front of a mirror. I feel my collarbones constantly, playing with them with my fingers, to see if they are becoming more prominent. When I lay down I feel my hipbones. I put my fingers around my wrists & try to tell if they are getting any smaller.
Hey there, it’s been a while. I am SO CLOSE to being in the 130s! My husband is being kinda weird about my shrinking. I think he’s afraid the boobs will go away? lmao I am okay with that. I was 158 when I decided to start shrinking – but that was a while ago. There have been sooooo many plateaus – 153… then 148… then 144… but the weight loss has been coming more rapidly for some reason lately HALLELUJAH.
I like my body so much more in the 140s than the 150s, so much more in the low 140s than the high 140s, so much more in the high 130s than the low 140s, so much more in the low 130s than the high 130s, so much more in the 120s than the 130s… you get the idea.
I don’t know for sure what my goal weight is for sure yet. I am 5’7 – it’s going to be somewhere between 115 – 123 probably. The trouble is that 123 is starting to sound high to me. That used to be my goal weight in high school. I don’t think that’s a good sign? I was at 120 lbs two years ago. I had so much confidence.
Some non-scale news: we bought a house & moved in this month. It’s amazing. I can blame not posting on that. We are in love with it. I haven’t been doing any formal exercise – just painting & moving & unpacking things. I’ve been doing my usual, what comes naturally to me “dieting,” which is just coffee in the morning then dinner. It’s how I eat naturally, I don’t know why, so all I really have to watch are portions.
My stomach is starting to get a lot flatter. I look at it in the mirror way too much because I am, embarrassingly, vain as fuck – if you didn’t already know this.
Here are some elephant ear plants, which I am quite in love with at the moment. I’ve given myself a $100 a month plant budget for doing up the yard at the new house & I bought two of these.
I’ll try to do it tomorrow morning if I don’t eat too much salt for dinner to see what I am working with here.
Coffee w/ creamer
A small bowl of taco soup with some shredded cheese on it
Broccoli with ma po style tofu
Fruit salad (berries & melons)
Small portion of leftover thai food
I think I ate way too much today. Shit. Gonna work out fuck tons tomorrow (promising myself).
My husband and I took our three dogs on a walk around our neighborhood. It was about 2.8 mile) which, because it is quite hilly, my Fitbit tells me counted as 20 flights of stairs & 44 minutes of cardio. Yes… I am so out of shape that walking registers as cardio on my fitbit lmao.
The dogs are all exhausted right now & so are we. We walked by a cemetery but I didn’t feel much ghost energy from it. My father died last June so I have a lot of thoughts about spiritualism & ghosts & communicating with the dead right now.
Here is a photo of someone who inspires me. She’s a French-Canadian singer named Beatrice Martin but her band name is Coeur de Pirate (“Pirate Heart” in English) – she’s overcome a lot, is a talented singer & performer & is just so genuine & relatable in her interviews. I find her fascinating.
Sidenote: My hair is naturally the same color as hers. I have been hennaing mine to an auburn color for over 2 years & now I am trying to grow it out to be blonde again. It is an AWKWARD transition. You cannot color over or remove henna – you just have to grow it out – because it can actually start smoking & can REALLY fuck up your hair.
Another Sidenote: Luckily not many people are seeing me right now because of the COVID-19 pandemic & social distancing/self isolation. I keep having the urge to cut some of my hair off myself because salons are closed. Anyway, Beatrice Martin has a lot of tattoos (as do I) & brown eyes (as do I). I’m tempted to try a haircut similar to hers once my blonde has grown in more.
I think I am going to try to do some kind of exercise everyday for a while & see how that works out.
If you read this & are also trying to lose weight / get healthier / get more in shape, please follow or leave a comment so I can check out your blog. I could use a digital support system.